


seashell

by windsycle



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Lowercase, M/M, Magical Realism, Near Death Experiences, Recovery, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28913115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windsycle/pseuds/windsycle
Summary: junmyeon almost dies from touch starvation. the others help him recover.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho & Everyone, Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	seashell

_breathe_ , junmyeon remembers as he sits on the edge of their shared bathtub, letting jongdae dry his hair with a towel.

it's too early in the morning, the sky still dark outside. there are birds chirping in the distance already, if junmyeon listens  closely. he focuses on the sound, tries to distract himself from shivering. the bathroom is cold, with winter permeating everywhere. jongdae's feet on the tiles are  painfully  bare for this kind of climate.

"you okay, hyung?" he asks, voice careful while patting over junmyeon's wet hair.

junmyeon closes his eyes, the feeling of jongdae's gentle touches washing over him. he thinks for a moment, decides to  just  nod when the words won't come. _suffering from trauma_ , he heard the others discuss earlier in hushed whispers. junmyeon  is tired, his body still vulnerable from his brush with death  just  hours ago. but he tells jongdae the truth.

for the first time in a long while, junmyeon feels alive.

they brought him back. junmyeon's heart stutters at the memory. he doesn't remember much of what happened to him, exactly, except for the darkness. they said he was under for almost three days, trapped in dreamless sleep. what junmyeon does know for certain is that he will never forget the sight he woke up to afterwards. the tears in their eyes will  probably  haunt him for the rest of his life.

he can still see it written all over jongdae's face, like an invisible scar junmyeon left behind in  all of  them ever since. guilt brings back the water, that old familar sadness welling up in the corners of his own eyes once more. days of endless rain.

junmyeon drops his head on jongdae's shoulder, trying to keep his sobs quiet even as steady arms wrap around him immediately.  jongdae catches him, carding soothing fingers through junmyeon's hair and whispering comfort to his ear. the tears are flooding him, overflowing until they soak through jongdae's shirt. there are so many things junmyeon wants to say.

last night he survived, and junmyeon can't stop crying.  it's been hard to allow himself that weakness before, but he trusts jongdae to hold him together for the moment.

≋

the kitchen air is rich with smells of  freshly  cooked dishes. it reminds junmyeon that he's home, safe and surrounded by the people he loves.  yixing  practically  pulls him onto his lap as soon as jongdae lets go of junmyeon's hand to join kyungsoo at the stove.

the radical increase of physical contact feels unusual and almost jarring. but junmyeon understands that they only mean well. he takes a deep breath and wills his body to relax, lets yixing's sure hands keep him balanced.  _nothing to be afraid of_ , junmyeon tells himself as he becomes aware of yixing's scent, his warmth, the beating of his heart.

“it’s alright, hyung,” yixing reassures. “let us take care of you.”

it sounds like there is more, but yixing doesn’t press. junmyeon is grateful for the space to recover at his own pace,  slowly  come back to them in his own time.

a comfortable silence settles between them as they watch jongdae and kyungsoo work. the two murmur a lot to each other, too quiet for junmyeon to hear from where they're sitting. he recognizes the worry in kyungsoo's eyes though, can read the sorrow in the bow of jongdae's back.

_i’m the reason_ , junmyeon thinks, his heart crumbling under the heaviness.

but then yixing gathers him close, as if sensing the sudden spike of anxiety. it makes junmyeon remember that they are here to help, willing to carry a share of his burden. they were never meant to take on his pain, but junmyeon realizes now. that for them too, he has to pick himself up.

kyungsoo made _samgyetang_ and _tteokbokki_ , junmyeon’s current favorites. somehow he always keeps track.  junmyeon’s not sure if his stomach can handle  all of  it already, but it’s worth trying  just  to see the tension disappear from kyungsoo’s narrow shoulders.

warmth spreads inside of him with every bite, and he knows that it’s not  just  the delicious food. it’s like a wish forming. a prayer for things to be okay. a promise that he will get better.

“thank you,” junmyeon manages after finishing his meal, voice thin from underuse. they are all smiling at him, kyungsoo reaching for his hand while yixing and jongdae engulf him in a hug. this is learning what happiness tastes like all over again.

≋

"i hadn't known, junmyeon," minseok confesses  quietly.  there's something helpless in his tone, eyes trained on his fingers pressing  carefully  into junmyeon's calf.

they found that after a body's shutdown caused by touch starvation, it can sometimes lead to permanent paralysis in the limbs. junmyeon's lucky that he doesn't seem to have suffered that kind of damage.

minseok had been very insistent on checking, anyway. as their oldest, he  probably  felt obligated. junmyeon can relate.  they are quite similar in how they avoid uncomfortable conversations, hide from their own feelings.

but minseok is trying for junmyeon now, regret bleeding all over his words like an open wound.

“we never knew you were lonely.” he sounds haunted, hands shaking where they’re working on junmyeon’s muscle as though he could somehow erase these past three days. "i'm sorry we didn't see you were hurting... if we had known–”

junmyeon stops him, can't watch minseok torturing himself anymore. it's a pain he is only too familiar with, himself.  he shuffles close, fitting their small bodies together until he can rest his head on minseok's shoulder. seeking skinship still feels daunting, but junmyeon tries to breathe through the fear. has to for minseok.

it's not like people haven't been checking up on him. it's not like he hasn't  been _touched_.  junmyeon had been suffering, _dying_ from _something_ , though he’d never imagined it would manifest this way. there was never a clear reason why. or maybe too many to count.

either way, junmyeon  is tired  now.  of going around in the same old cycles over and over again, wondering why he ended up feeling so broken and worthless. of trying to find meaning in his damage. of shifting the blame, switching between hating himself or resenting others.

he also has to stop yearning for his friends until it hurts. can't keep wishing they'd care for him more, expect them to fill a void within him if he can't even do it himself.

"it's not your fault," junmyeon tells minseok, wants to say it to  all of  them because it's the truth. they don't deserve to feel guilty for what has happened to him. for what junmyeon has been doing to himself all along.

≋

snow is falling down on a white world when junmyeon steps outside. sehun leads the way, pulling him by the hand while chanyeol clings to his shoulders from behind.

they were uncertain whether junmyeon could handle going for a walk already. on one hand he's gratetul that they've become so protective of him. but it's also like they treat him like he's made of glass now, leaving junmyeon with an anxious twist in his stomach.

to ease everyone's minds, they promise not to venture too far from home. sehun pitches the idea of getting hot chocolate at the new cafe around the corner.

“only if you pay for us, maknae,” chanyeol says, his chuckle low and mellow right next to junmyeon’s ear.

a friendly banter ensues, and junmyeon enjoys the lightheartedness he remembers whenever he hangs out with these two.  he watches them squabble back and forth, laughs into his gloves when sehun shoves a handful of fresh snow down the back of chanyeol's collar.

chanyeol is quick to throw snowballs in retaliation, starting an entire fight. they spare junmyeon this time, for which he is actually grateful for. seeing the two of them play out here in the cold is enough to make junmyeon’s heart soar.

the battle ceases as soon as chanyeol and sehun notice junmyeon having moved a few feet away from them to build a snowman. they catch up to him in no time, a well attuned team once more as they start to help. junmyeon's cheeks heat up, understanding that they don't want him to feel left out.

their snowman ends up looking more like a snow bunny after sehun teases them to be more creative. he leaves to get their orders at the cafe then, made sure to remember the others at home as well.

"look how pretty everything looks, hyung," chanyeol marvels at the winter scenery when it's  just  the two of them.

he snuggles junmyeon close to himself, made them both fit inside his giant coat together. junmyeon can see chanyeol’s little puffs of warm breath from here.

and  just  like that, he becomes aware of the frost on his skin. takes in the snow falling around them. remembers air, realizes that he's still alive.

_i was drowning_ , junmyeon wants to share with chanyeol, but just can't. he's failed at this point a million times before. junmyeon wonders when he lost the ability to cry for help out here, lost at sea. giving up on himself every day.

he's been afraid of the water for years. it has been his reality for so long that junmyeon can't seem to remember a time before, _without_ it. it's like swimming in sorrow forever, an emptiness  slowly  eating him up from the inside. the scariest thing is feeling all alone, with no one there to notice or care.

for the longest time, junmyeon didn't have a name for it.  he only knew that it settles heavier than everyday stress, runs deeper than temporary sadness.

“let’s go home,” junmyeon says when sehun returns. he wants to arrive at a shore now, where the people he cherishes most wait for him.

≋

it's tempting to doze off inside the pile of pillows and blankets they arranged for a movie night. junmyeon can  barely  keep his eyes open, and it's only been the first of the harry potter series. watching  all of  them in one session seems a little too ambitious, but it's the spirit of trying that counts.

he can hear the others argue over hogwarts houses from where he's nestled between jongin and baekhyun, though their voices sound faint and far away, as though junmyeon's underwater. he's so close to slipping.

baekhyun's asleep already even with most of junmyeon's weight lying on top of him. the steady rise and fall of his breaths almost lull junmyeon to sleep right along with him.

it's funny when  just  half an hour ago, they were having such a lively discussion about the sorting houses themselves.  junmyeon smiles, can still hear baekhyun's roar of laughter ringing in his ear when junmyeon proposed that they should all just be gryffindors. that way they could all still be together.

"hyung, you still with us?" jongin asks, voice gentle as he slings an arm around junmyeon to hug him from behind.

with the warmth of both baekhyun and jongin enveloping him like this, junmyeon might sink even faster. he's too tired to form words, but nods anyway.  can tell through the pull of slumber still that jongin wants to talk about something important.

"you know," jongin starts again. "baekhyun-hyung was  really  scared for you. we all were. but i never... i've never seen him like that." junmyeon shuffles at the words, unease shaking him awake again. he wants jongin to know that he's listening with  all of  his attention now.

"he didn't want to leave your side for even a second. he got so angry when we told him to take a break and rest. i think...  i think  he believed we would lose you if he did." jongin's voice wavers as he pulls junmyeon closer to himself. as if junmyeon could disappear, slip through their fingertips even now.

"when we found you like that," he continues, and junmyeon can hear tears seeping in. "when i saw you like that i couldn't breathe. you looked so... i had never been more scared in my life before."

jongin's face feels wet when he hides it against the side of junmyeon's neck, and junmyeon's heart aches like it's  been ripped  into a million pieces. it's too much, hearing jongin in so much pain.

"i  really  don't know why it happened to you. but i  just  want you to know that we love you, junmyeon-hyung."

"we love you, and we care so much about you because you are important to us. you deserve to  be loved, and you deserve to be happy. i don't know what made you feel different, along the way. but you are worthy of all those things. please believe us, hyung."

junmyeon's crying in jongin's arms by then, his muffled whimpers filling the room as he clings to the fabric of baekhyun's sweater.  jongin wraps tighter around him, comforting words on his lips, trying to shield junmyeon from the outside world.

no one seems to mind them. but junmyeon understands, doesn’t feel abandoned or alone anymore. they are here with him, and junmyeon is grateful that they allow him to grieve in peace. release everything he's bottled up for so long, deep inside.

he feels like he can finally let go. junmyeon’s ready to fill his heart with new things now. with affection and light. with days of them, them, them.

≋

when he wakes up the next morning, junmyeon finds all of their names written on his skin in permanent ink. it takes him a moment to realize. it's the places where each of them touched junmyeon first, after they saved his life.

**Author's Note:**

> hello!
> 
> this idea wouldn't leave my mind until i started writing it down. sorry if there are still mistakes, it's unbeta'd. i tried to establish that junmyeon's physical shutdown was the result of touch starvation, but the actual root cause had been depression. it was very difficult to find a balance for the tone of this story, as i wanted to treat that topic as respectfully as i could, without sounding too explicit or too vague. if you like, please let me know what you think of it. 
> 
> thanks for reading!


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